Vertigo & Lessons Learned

Hello,

My name is Ruth, I am a wife, mother, grandmother and I deal with vertigo all day, everyday. Not the kind of vertigo or dizziness, one gets when you stand up too fast, or when you've had too much to drink (of the adult beverage kind), but a constant spinning 24/7, nonstop, all day, everyday. Some days are worse than others. This journey, as I have decided this has become a journey for me, not something that I am learning to live with, and am having to learn and discover new things about not only myself, but the world in which I live, exist and at the end of day thrive in.

This journey began on July 16, 2021. It started quite randomly, while my hubby and I were camping, sitting around the campfire with our "group". I stood up to get a marshmallow, felt dizzy, but thought nothing of it. This persisted the rest of the evening. When we went to bed, I figured it would go away and I would be back to my "normal" self by morning. The night was long, the spinning getting worse and sleep was pretty much non-existent. In the morning when I got up, I could barely walk without feeling like I was going to fall down, I had to get hubby up to help me out of our tent. This sensation persisted for the remainder of the camping trip; cutting me off from all the things I enjoyed about camping. I couldn't kayak, I couldn't take myself off to visit the rest of the group. I couldn't even get myself to washroom without having something or someone to hold onto.

This has been my life since that night, I am too dizzy to drive, too dizzy to do most of the things I love to do, activities like kayak, horseback ride, play with my grandchildren, enjoy loud boisterous games, having freedom and independence. In the beginning and quite honestly up until a few months ago, this made me bitter, resentful and quite frankly mad at the world. I was prone to long pity parties and was just all round miserable. Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks actually, I was grieving. Grieving my old life, grieving all the independence and freedom I once had, in reality grieving the me I used to be. I was never one to let grass grow under my feet, I was quite often on the go. Going to visit this friend or that friend. Getting out to the dollar store or whatever store I needed to get to on any given day. Suddenly my old life was gone and everything that was familiar to me had just vanished. What was left of the old me? What had become of the Ruth I once knew? Where did she go? Well, she is still here, all the important pieces remain. The wife who adores her husband, with all her heart, soul and being, is still here. The mother who is filled with pride and an overflowing abundance of love for her sons and daughters-in-law; the mother who will fiercely protect and stand up for her children, is still here. The grandmother, who has the warmest hugs, the softest of hearts; the grandmother who thinks the sun rises and sets on those precious beings, is still here. The Ruth that has been left in the wake of this never ending spinning, is a Ruth that has learned many lessons and is still learning lessons, daily.

Recently, someone asked me about something I had written in a bio for a group I belong to; what I wrote in my bio is "I believe that we learn much from our past experiences and that mistakes are the best learning opportunities life provides". This person asked me what I have learned about myself and how I have evolved.

This was my response:

"I’ve learned that I am far more resilient than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned that life is full of change and that being adaptable is a learning curve. I have learned that life doesn't always give us what we want, but it will give us what we need, even if we didn’t know we needed it. As much as the vertigo has turned my world upside down, I truly believe that it has been a opportunity for me to really focus on me. For the majority of my life I have always taken care of others and have always been at the end of my list."

I'm not saying I am happy about this and I'm not saying this is what I would have chosen for me (as if I had a choice in the matter). I will say though, I have had to learn to put me FIRST and to really be sure what I am doing what is best for ME. I have learned to say NO, that was never a word that has ever come easy to me. I have learned that resting is an option and that sometimes that is what needs to happen. Some days, these lessons come easier than others. I am still a work in progress, will be until the day I die, and that is okay.

Until next time,

Ruth